The Life of Harris Potter
by Larry 5 life
Summary: "Anyway Harris, Hermitt and Gingersnap were a clique now so they went to visit Haggard and he was like 'Yo, check out my sick dragon egg'" The mostly true and only vaguely exaggerated story of Harris Potter and his friends Gingersnap Ginger and Hermitt Ranger (plus people no one cares about.) A.K.A What I Remember from the Harry Potter Universe.
Once a Potter time (do you get my joke?), there was a man with a very long white beard who was not Gandalf walking down the street with a pointy hat. He used this flicker majjiga to steal all the lights from Private Drive (dick move Not-Gandalf), and walked in darkness without tripping somehow. Then this fucking cat came out of nowhere, turned into that lady from Downtown Abbey and started speaking nonsense words to Not-Gandalf. Then Haggard flew in on a motorcycle holding a wee little baby and cried because they had to leave it on a doorstop and hope it didn't die.

That baby was actually Harris Potter. He was taken in by his mom's sister, Bitch, her husband Dick and their son America. All of them hated Harris for some reason and made him their servant/slave/punching bag.

On America's birthday they couldn't find a babysitter and were afraid Harris would jack their shit, so they had to take him with them to the zoo. Long story short, Harris freed a snake and almost murdered America or something I don't actually remember. He might have talked to the snake too I guess.

Sometime later an owl swooped by and was like "You've got mail" to Harris, but Dick was like "lol you don't have any friends who'd write something to you?" Then he threw Harris' letter in the trash. After that more and more owls kept spamming them with the letters until Dick was like "Fuck this shit I'm out." And they all moved to a rock in the middle of the sea.

Harris was being emo and wishing himself happy birthday when Haggard broke down his fucking door. What the fuck Haggard? And then Haggard gave Harris another spam owl letter! What the fuck Haggard!? But it was cool cuz he brought cake and turned America into a pig.

The next day and/or that night Haggard took Harris to Diagonal Alley, and Harris found out he was rich and no one told him. Some goblin's also gave Haggard a weird rock thing, but that's irrelevant because Harris got an owl. And clothes. And books. And probably other stuff. Oh and the stick. He also got a stick that explodes things.

(At some point Haggard told Harris about the asshole who killed his parents, Lord Voltorb, but that was also irrelevant.)

Later that day and/or weeks later Haggard ditched Harris and expected him to find the train by his self even though he was, like, 7. Luckily, Harris knew how to read and his ticket said Platform 9.75. Unluckily, Harris was bad at math so he didn't know what the fuck that meant. Super luckily this clan of gingers walked by and the mom was like "Fucking Measles everywhere HURRY THE FUCK UP BRATS!" (Measles are what wizards call non magic folk.)

Harris was like "Oh I should follow the gingers they know where they're going."

So he did, and Mama Ginger taught him how to crash into a wall without crashing into a wall (goals), and then he and the youngest ginger boy (a.k.a Gingersnap) became BFFLS after they sat together on the train and Harris bought them candy. For some reason peeps kept crashing their party (Hermitt Ranger, Drago Bloodfist, Navel Bootycakes, and probably some ghosts or something I don't fucking know) and were like "OMG it's Harris Potter! He got a sick scar from the psychopath who murdered his family! Grease Lightening mother fuckas!"

And Harris and Gingersnap were just like "Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck out!"

Anyway they got to Hogwash and fucking Haggard was there, so Harris was like "Bro why'd you ditch me?"

And Haggard was like "Sorry bro I had to give Dumblydore that rock no one cares about."

And Harris was like "Pfft whatever. Just take me to fucking Hogwash already I'm tired of all this bullshit."

Haggard was like "K. Everyone find a boat and try not to drown!"

Only like three kids drowned (which was a new record), and they all get to school (which was a fucking castle) and Haggard gave them to Professor Monocle.

Professor Monocle didn't take shit from fucking anyone so she was just like, "Try to look like less disgusting pieces of shit, and when I call your name you'll be segregated based on how important you'll be to the plot. All the heroes who get to be Harris's friends go to Griffen Window, assaholic bitches go to Sneakout, and irrelevants go to whatever the other fucking houses are."

(At some point in time before this Drago was like "Yo Harris be my bro because your current bro is disgusting. And I want to suck your dick when you're older. No homo."

And Harris was like "Fuck you Drago! Gingersnap is a beautiful person! And I don't date jerks! Also no homo.")

So Drago became a Sneakout (duh) and Harris, Gingersnap, Hermitt and Navel became Griffen Windows (duh) and no one else mattered. Harris met Gingersnap's brothers, Thing 1, Thing 2 and Prissy, and no one else mattered.

So classes started and Harris was like "This is pretty great but for some reason Professor Snappy hates me and the Turban Guy smells weird? Whatever just gotta live my life." So he lived his life and went to flying class where Navel broke his arm like a loser and Drago stole Navel's baseball or whatever.

Harris was like ""Drago stop being a dick!"

And Drago was like "Fuck you Harris! Literally! No homo!"

So Harris chased him and Drago threw the baseball and Harris caught it without dying because they were also flying on mops or something which is dangerous I guess. Anyway Professor Monocle came out and she was like"Yo Harris that was dooooooope join the Cricket team."

And Harris was like "Aight. What's Cricket?"

So Harris was taught Cricket by Oliver Twist and life was great until he got lost with Gingersnap and Hermitt and they almost got eated by a cat named Fluffy. Luckily, Fluffly was full so she just let them go.

Anyway, later Gingersnap couldn't make his feather float so Hermitt was like "Lol you're stupid."

And Gingersnap was like "This is why no one likes you!"

Hermitt got sad and Harris was like "Bro…"

And gingersnap was like "Bro!"

Anyway so later it was Halloween and everyone was getting ready to go Trick or Treating, but the Turban Guy came in and he was like "Ummmmm… so like… don't freak out but a troll got inside somehow? Lol I'm gonna pass out and let you guys deal with it. Peace!"

And Dumblydore was sad cuz he really wanted to get some good chocolate from the rich people neighborhood, but now he had to deal with the fucking troll so he was like "If I can't go Trick or Treating, no one can! You're all grounded! GO TO YOUR ROOMS!"

And everyone was bummed out and going to their rooms but then Harris was like "Oh snap! Gingersnap! You made Hermitt cry and now she's gonna get rekt by the troll! We gotta save her!"

And Gingersnap was like, "Aight. YOLO!"

So they found Hermitt in the girl's bathroom, and the troll was about to destroy her, but somehow Harris and Gingersnap beat it even though they were both pretty bad at magic but whatever Team Work!

Then the Professors came in and were like "Lol you're all children how the fuck did you even do this? Whatever Team Work equals like 70000000 points!"

And then Snappy came in with his leg gushing blood, and he tried to hide it but Harris was like "You ain't slick Snappy. I see you."

Anyway Harris, Hermitt and Gingersnap were a clique now so they went to visit Haggard and he was like "Yo, check out my sick dragon egg!"

And Hermitt was like "Lol that's super illegal."

And Gingersnap was like "My brother Charls has a dragon."

And Harris was like "Umm… so about the cat who tried to kill us?"

But Haggard gave birth to the dragon and was like "My baby!"

And Drago, who was NOT stalking Harris because no homo, was like "Lol I'm telling Monocle!"

So he told Monocle, and everyone, including Drago, got detention, and Haggard had to give his baby up for adoption.

So they all went to detention in the Spooky Forest and Harris and Drago teamed up because of reasons that were not homo related. So they were walking through the Forest and Drago was like "Fuck you Harris."

And Harris was like "Fuck you Drago."

But they didn't start making out cuz they were like five and they didn't how penises worked yet.

Then they found a vampire drinking yummy unicorn juice and Drago was like "Lol peace!"

Harris tried to follow him, but he tripped like a fucking loser. The vampire tried to eat him but it was too full from the yummy unicorn juice so it just let him go. Harris was trying to find his way back to his clique when he ran into Sagittarius who was like "Lol you almost got eated by Lord Voltorb."

And Harris was like "Oh I thought that was a vampire."

And Sagittarius was like "Nah man haven't you seen Twilight?"

And Harris was like "Oh yeah. Cedric Diggory was hot. No homo."

Then Haggard and all the Homies came and they were like "Lol Harris you almost got eated let's go back to Hogwash."

And Harris was like "Aight."

So after that Harris's clique started doing boring research about things no one cared about and then it was Christmas! Harris didn't go home because his family hates him. Gingersnap didn't go home because his parent's loved Charls more so they were visiting him in Rome with Jeanie. Hermitt went home because her parents actually liked her normally.

For Christmas Harris got a Magic Cape that made him disappear, and then he found a mirror holding his parents souls or something. He tried to get them out, but Dumblydore was like "I'm still mad about Halloween. This is mine now." And then he stole the mirror.

Harris was like "Aight. Whatever."

(At some point Snappy tried to kill Harris during Cricket or something, but nobody really cared because Harris caught the Lilo and Stitch so Griffin Window won and yelled "FUCK YOU SNAPPY!")

So for some reason Harris was like "Lol Snappy is totally working for Lord Voltorb and I gotta catch him tonight."

So he, Hermitt and Gingersnap tried to sneak out but Navel was like "Yo, you guys can't do that! You're Griffin Windows not Sneakouts!"

And Hermitt was like "Shut the fuck up Bootycakes!" And then she threw her stick at him and knocked him out or something.

So they snuck out like Sneakouts and went up to the secret room with Fluffy (cuz Harris was magic and knew that was where Snappy was.) They got past Fluffy cuz she was like "I'm a cat. I ignore people sometimes."

And then they slid down this trap door and got captured by Tangela, but Hermitt was a fire type and used Flamethrower and it was super effective. Then they had to catch a flying key or something but Harris was the Cricket Master and great at flying mops so that was super easy. After that they had to play chess for some reason and Gingersnap got knocked out because someone threw a chess piece at him or something, but it was okay cuz Hermitt would take care of him while Harris caught Snappy.

So Harris went to the next room and hey it's that mirror with his parent's souls in it lol small world.

He was like "Sup Mom and Dad."

And they were like "Sup son."

And he was like "I wonder where Snappy is?"

But then someone was like "Lol what? Snappy was never here."

And hey it's the Turban Guy lol since when is he important?

Harris was like "Sup Turban Guy."

And Turban Guy was like "Sup Harris. Wanna see what's on my head?" And then he actually took OFF his turban so he wasn't Turban Guy anymore he was Lord Voltorb now.

And Harris was like "Sup Lord Voltorb."

And Lord Voltorb was like "Sup Harris. Help me find that rock the goblins gave Haggard."

And Harris was like "Lol that thing was actually relevant?"

And Lord Voltorb was like. "Lol I know right? Anyway ask your parents where it is, aight?"

And Harris was like "Aight. Yo Mom, Dad where's the rock the goblins gave Haggard?"

And they were like "Lol it's been in your pocket for like months."

And Harris was like "Lol how?"

And they were like "Lol magic! Duh!"

And then Harris turned to Lord Voltorb and he was like "Lol it's been in my pocket this whole time."

And Lord Voltorb was like "Lol seriously? How?"

And Harris was like "Lol magic."

And Lord Voltorb was like "Lol give it to me."

And Harris was like "Nah son you killed my parents. I'm not giving you shit!"

And Lord Voltorb was like "True. True. Aight I'm just gonna go then. PEACE!"

So he left and the Turban Guy lost his turban and turned to dust RIP.

Then Harris was like "Well I'm tired so I'm gonna take a nap. Night Mom and Dad."

And they were like "Night Harris."

So Harris took a nap for like three months and when he woke up school was done and Dumblydore was like "I'm still mad about Halloween so this rock is mine now. Go fucking home Harris."

And Harris was like "Aight. Whatever."

But he couldn't go home yet because they had to see who was the best group or whatever. First Sneakout won but then Dumblydore was like "Lol what? The assaholic bitches can't win! A Bajillion points to the main characters for no fucking reason!" So Griffen Window won and Sneakout was sad and the other groups were irrelevant.

After that Harris went home and was abused by his family again the end.


End file.
